I once thought I had heard from God - Julian of Norwich says that there are two ways to know God directly - that is feel his presence in our lives: the first is called a "Showing" which means an actual visual image appears to the contemplative - or to any one; then there is what she calls a "Knowing" which is touching God through your mind - internally. I believe I have a vague remembrance that I once had a Knowing but the memory has faded.
I often wonder about my memory - sometimes it is in one ear and out the other. It is interesting to note a session I had with my Dr. I had just watched a great DVD on Kabbalah and I wanted to share it with her. As I started to talk I couldn't - I was blocked and sat in silence - completely without any thought to the DVD. I had been profoundly moved by the DVD but the thoughts would not come. Finally as minutes had passed in silence it all came to me and rushed out in great order.
I often am aware of my bad memory - maybe it just takes more time for me to access information. Sometimes I think my sister Katie knows more about my history than I do. So what was my Knowing? Did it have to do with my art? ART - the love of my life - my passion - my beloved. Maybe my Knowing had to do with my confirmation as an Episcopalian in 2004. The Knowing may have been tied to this decision.
I think this is coming up for I am questioning my faith. What I am most passionate about is not Christianity but all that I read about Tarot and Kabbalah. These ideas fill me with wonder awe and inspiration. There are flashes of this same feeling associated with Christianity but they are often embedded in dryness. Mostly what I feel is confusion. Like the phrase - the more you learn the less you know. I am feeling the full impact of that phrase right now. Did Julian of Norwich have these feelings? I may never know - perhaps some reading is in order to find out more of the wondrous Julian.
I once became enthused about the Saints - I bought a Saint book and was fascinated by all the different - often times violent and gory - stories found there. Then I had a new inspiration - a group of Saint woodcuts. There was a lot to choose from - their lives, what they were the patron saint of and the symbols associated with them. I chose Anthony of Egypt first. I analyzed St. Anthony. I let the info move me so that my intuition and imagination could take over. Deciding to do a small linocut I dove into the process. I had a printmaking professor who said that printmaking is an ocean and one must dive in with one’s whole body and then one will see if one sinks or swims. I worked hard to make the print work but it didn't. I looked at the finished piece and knew quickly that it was a failure. I even tried painting the print to give it a stained glass affect but it still did not work. I had failed.
1 comment:
Hey John -- I do remember your Knowing. It happened a year or two before we finished People Say I'm Crazy. You were carving in your studio when you were suddenly filled with a deep "ahhhhhhh" and the powerful new awareness that your artwork is essentially a search for God. We included your reflection on that moment in the film.
I'm not surprised you don't remember because your Knowing experience is now such an integrated part of you -- it wouldn't seem like something new or different anymore. And its so profoundly integrated into your creative life, I'd venture to guess you probably can't remember a time when you didn't feel like your artwork was part of your spiritual quest.
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