Tarot Meditation: 4 of Wind

Look upon the heavenly rainbow! It fills me with wonder and awe! I glow like a thousand candles underneath a crystal waterfall. The wolves are calling but I pay no heed - they are out of range. They call to the moon - which is my deity also.

The crystal pool before me is deep and cool. I penetrate the surface. All outside noise and pain fade away and I enter a pristine world of golden blue. What creatures do I see here? There is the octopus which glows pink, the blowfish billowing to itself, the purple stingray and the magnanimous killer whale. These creatures speak to me without voices. I sense their love and compassion. I am on a grand adventure!

Soon streaks of light shine down for it is time for me to surface. As I rise the light becomes more and more brilliant. I surface into a glorious day! I look at my reflection in the water - what attributes do I see? The simplest and most noble is compassion. I must fill my heart with compassion, the compassion I saw in the wondrous creatures of the deep that applies to all creatures of this and other planets. It is through this that I can conquer the world. I feel my friends swimming beneath me - I feel their love. LOVE and COMPASSION these are the greatest.

Tarot: 6 of Fire - Hard Won Gifts

I see a glass ball: in the ball I see all the suffering I have experienced. What occurs to me first is a drawing I made when I was a young teenager. It depicted a ball, and inside the ball was a scene of horrific depression. The images were jagged, the faces tortured. Where did this come from? Divorce, neglect, depression, cruelty? I showed it to my sister and she agreed. It was an accurate account. Other images in the glass ball were ones of living in fear and doubt - suffocating within myself - quiet desperation.

Then there is perhaps the grand daddy image of them all, Schizophrenia. They say it can start manifesting at a young age. Was this the true source of all the pain and suffering? I don't know. It is always an open-ended question- it is always a mystery - nothing is set in stone - it all flows richly down the stream of experience.

This question brings up an idea that has inspired me throughout my adult life, and perhaps even before, maybe before I could even recognize what it was. The great muse of MYSTERY! What gift these glass ball experiences have given me. And I have already well named it - the awe and wonder of mystery.

I guess through suffering comes wisdom - so I have been told - but I don't feel wise. We learn from our mistakes but I don't feel educated. Perhaps this all sounds miserable but I don't feel miserable. I look at the morning sun stream through my window.

Yet I am forgetting the greatest of all gifts - ART! It is my true passion and I thank God every morning for this gift however mysterious its origins. It fills me with wonder and awe at this beautiful horrific world we live in. Perhaps I can transform the glass ball experiences into crystal bright light even if the subject may be dark. It all boils down to this: each morning is a gift.

Tarot: 7 of Earth - Teachings flaring to life in me

"Tiger Tiger burning bright in the forest of the night - what immortal hand or eye can frame thy fearful symmetry?” Or something like that. Poetry was never my calling. Am I a chosen one? Has God chosen me or am I called? What is the difference? Called to what? If God sent out a calling what would be my answer? Surely I am to be an artist - it is all I ever wanted to be.

In class Mr H gave us an assignment - write about what makes you special. I immediately thought of art. I described loving to "destroy the whiteness of the page" as part of the start of my creative process. He thought the phrase was powerful. At the time I was reading Alan Watts. He was Buddhist just like my teacher. Mr H gave me a book to read "The Moon and Sixpence " by Somerset Maugham all about the artist Gauguin. It was a snow day that Monday so I was able to finish the book. I was inspired. This little suggestion referring me to this book started a fire within me - a fire of the beauty and wonder of books. Up until then I had only read a few books. Something in the magic of Maughams writing excited me greatly. I went to extra help with Mr H that Saturday. In his classroom there was an Asian scroll of a man meditating. You see him in his house. And you see him floating off into the distance over fog filled mountains.

I was interested in the power of the word, which is ironic for I used words so limitedly. Holed up in my room I would draw a multitude of monsters and superherose. Painfully shy I rarely said “Hello” if at all. I would have loved it if I could hide away in a mountain cave like St. Benedict.

The word held specific power for me. Books on Voodoo and Santeria began filling my shelves. The magic of the word became my passion and obsession. If I said the right words could I change reality? The thought intrigued me greatly.

In the basement I created a studio - the heat above was oppressive - only a little cooler in the basement. There I embarked the world of fantasy letting my mind and intuition take me to new and greater heights. Excitement filled the air. I drew a vast landscape and in the foreground a man took root - literally grew into the landscape. The drawing was never finished and will fade into obscurity like I know I will. Perhaps I will fall through the cracks. Little did I know that 4 years later I would lose my mind.

Tarot: 4th Daath - Naming the Adventure Calling Me

It came in a sudden flash - what beauty I lived and am living. As Julian of Norwich proclaims - I had a KNOWING. It is a time of reverence and awe when God came down and rested his hand upon my shoulder. Oh great spirit fill me with hope! Hope that will crush my demons. My demons weren't there at that moment for in that moment I saw beyond myself.

Breaking through the looking glass I shattered my image. I was not there any more - I was nothing. The shards of myself falling and falling into the abyss. That is where I dwell at times into the great unknown - the unspeakable - the ineffable. My life is small and great at the same time as is my soul. As an ant I rest. This thought brings great ease to my spirit. As they say I am dust - a mere phantom - From dust I came and to dust I will go. My heart fills with joy at this thought and my worldly problems seem to slip away into the night.

It was that special day - that special moment when I knew my purpose or so I thought - I knew where I came from and where I am going but just as the life of the butterfly - the magic was gone - so beautiful yet so ephemeral. It was grandiose yet tiny - it was the universe yet a single atom. "As above, so below" the wise ones say. Maybe I have an inkling of what this means.

What was the sentence that lifted me to the heights of Heaven in a single moment? My sentence was this, "My art is a search for God." It seems so small when I say it - right now I can only sense a fragment of what I felt at that moment. I pray to God every day to let me into that wonder of wonders once more. I am on a quest - a journey into the unknown. My body rests as my spirit soars.

Tarot: Water Father - The Essence of My Heart's Desire

That year will live in my memory as the greatest. After that year everything went away - got lost. Going overseas without knowing anyone was a big risk. I'd been miserable - so instead of being miserable in Pittsburgh I could be miserable in Rome. A change in environment would do me good.

My memory is clouded yet seems so clear. It doesn't make sense. Little does. There were times when I felt life so awesomely - so grandly that I could not put words to describe those times. Ineffable. I was on a mission: Stromboli.

My sister Katie flew in for spring break and we rented a car and decided to drive down to Sicily. Such freedom, such powerful experiences. We bought blood oranges and I played my tape of the Indigo Girls over and over again. That album lives in my memory - each time I hear it I am transported back to that miraculous time.

We came to a small town - along the road was a funeral procession - it looked nightmarish yet full of grace. All people in black, moving slowly. In the next town we saw another funeral coming out of a local church. I sat and looked on in reverence.

Next we came to some Roman ruins atop a hill over looking the ocean. The light was so wondrous - I was in a dream - a fantasmagorical dream. Life was one big adventure. Recently Michele and I were in the hot tub witnessing the sunset. "Do you feel it Michele? Do you feel how wondrous everything is?" Michele nodded. "This is how it was every second of every day in Italy - every thing was grand and full of life. Imagine feeling this way all the time." We sat in the hot tub soaking in the intensity. Maybe I am romanticizing that year - but it does not mater - I love it.

Katie and I made it to Sicily and decided to take a boat out to Stromboli - a small volcanic island nearby. Arriving at the dock the locals met us with offers of places to stay. We were approached by a small man with a huge smile. "Rooms?" We followed him up the road to a charming villa. “Breakfast is at 8:30" said the small man as if he were some sort of Italian leprechaun.

We set out to explore the island. "Wasn't there a movie called Stromboli?" we wondered. Immediately an idea arose in my mind - an idea that would obsess me for the next few months. LAVA. I decided I was on a mission to see lava.

That night we ate pizza at a small restaurant ordering another glass of beer. That year was the beginning of my romance with alcohol. Katie said how odd it was to consider getting drunk with her younger brother. After dinner it was twilight and that wondrous feeling came again as it did every day - I was on an adventure! Full of Life! Full of love for the blessings of my existence. I smiled. I was happy.

The next day my obsession with lava intensified. We started on a trail where at the top they said you could look down into the crater. We only made it a short way for Katie had not brought the right shoes and was tired. Down we went - my dream of lava would have to wait.

Next there was the beach, all black sand. I found a small plastic horse. That year I started collecting small objects which would periodically in some way or other make it into my artwork. The horse was missing a few legs – they’d been worn away by the ocean. Years later that horse made it into a series of prints I called "Unknown Fetishes.”

Looking into the ocean we lay on the rocks. The feeling swept through me again - Yes - I was home - home on planet earth - what wonders there are to behold! Alive.

That summer I traveled back to Stromboli. My mission: see lava. The trains were a great part of the adventure. I remember sticking my head out the window of the train - feeling the wind - looking at the ocean, the mountains and towns. Yes! That feeling again. Back in Stromboli I was determined to climb to the summit and look in to find lava. Crestfallen at the top, the only thing I saw was clouds of sulfur. It was late in the afternoon. With clouds all around I descended and came across a view that blew my mind. Emerging from that bank of clouds I saw the sun set as I never had before. Yes! That feeling once again.

Tarot: 7 of Fire - Being Totally Alive & Awake

I see the monkeys on the roof. The stories about where I was born are burned into my memory.

I must awaken from the dreams of the past - so much hurt - so much pain. I was small - easy to lose track of - the marriage was long gone - I remember him cracking ice for his gin and tonic - I was knee high - I remember looking up to the counter. They all laughed at me as I sat on my own dinner plate after changing the channel. As the youngest I was designated official channel changer. Natalie was there - I love Natalie - I wish I had not abused our love in visiting from Rome. I was young - I drank too much.

When they told me I did not understand - I thought it was a game, a fun thing - but no - soon he moved away something that a divorced father should never do. So I understand it today. Should I live in those memories? NO emphatically not.

There is only now - what am I doing now? I must let my spark explode into a million wondrous crystal cells. I will break up into a million pieces and fly into the sun. I will circle the earth looking lovingly down at all the wonders and horrors that are there. Live in the moment - easier said than done. Be open to joy and love. If I think it - It will come true. I do believe we make up our own universes - I can choose to live in the hurtful past or I can choose to live in the awe inspiring, wondrous and phantasmagorical universe of potential and life.

Tarot: 3 of Water

I am a cup - fill me with your grace. Wine is fine but water will fill me with possibility. Which cup am I? Am I red or green or blue? The sky is dark; water will soon spill onto the beautiful horrific world we live in.

I await the abundance. My crops need water. I will grow all that I can, living in the moment. I have roots. What will I grow into? Slowly I gain strength and soon I will burst into the glorious sunlight. My leaves - deep green and my flowers red, purple, blue and yellow. I am a glorious plant radiant in the warm sun.

Soon the water comes again to quench my thirst. Then the night comes, the mysterious moon reflects down to me. I am calm cool and content. But what is growing inside me? It hurts at first but soon I realize it must be a pearl, a golden pearl. The divers in the sky search me out - they want the golden pearl. They prey on me.

All is glorious but there comes a time when danger alerts. I must retreat into the ocean via the three cups. The water fills me from the golden sources. I pull back and realize the cyclic nature. Soon I will be the water that is filling me now - all will merge. The great oneness of being will show itself. But also from anywhere the divers cause pain and suffering - yet soon all will be growth. I too am a diver: the suffering comes from myself but all will be transformed into beauty love pills. When you take the pills the divers scatter for another day. Perfect Peace Profound.

Tarot: 9 of Earth - Celebrating the Cosmological Life

I enter you - you enter me. I fill you up with love while you take my hand and lead me into the forest. In the forest many creatures resound. I hear the Raven - my internal self - it flies into the deep rich blue sky above the trees. I climb the tree to get closer to the infinite. I am reminded of my childhood friend Deb - we used to climb the trees all the time - forget who we are and live as an ancient being - one with the cosmos, singing wondrous love songs. Will I marry you when all the magic stops? Will I still be able to talk with the flowers, spin endlessly on the swing, and run barefoot through the garden?

Our dog Tee-bo jumps sky high - he can fly as he chases the ball. In the sandbox we make delicious mud pies - stack them up and release pleasure and caring through the universe. I ate that wondrous peach: I buried the pit behind the sandbox hoping it would grow miraculously into the ever loving tree of goodness and life. Was it like Adam and Eve? Would the fruit be forbidden like it was for them? Temptation - Evolution - Saturation.

I will grow the tree and each languid humid day I will pick one peach and eat it gloriously - what will God think of that? Perhaps I can grow a garden - till the soil - plant the seeds - watch them grow. Deb and I will dance through the garden with Tee-bo at our sides just like the Fool. Will God let us eat the fruit? Will we sin and be banished out of our wondrous garden? There will be plants of every size and shape - all the colors of the rainbow will burst forth - all will be glorious until the snake.

Will the snake eat its tail or will it direct us to the sacred knowledge? The snake whispers enticingly. We listen in rapt attention. I do not wish to leave. I look at my body and am ashamed - Deb looks at her naked body and turns away. The angel with the flaming sword directs us out. I wish to play - to jump - to scream joy and passion but now it is time to leave. "Never forget," is the command of God. "Go in peace - meditate on what you have lost and what you have gained. Wake up each morning with the sun dazzling your eyes and filling you with the ineffable sense of belonging and loving."

Deb and I step carefully, drift away from our beloved garden. I wake up feel the humid air, "Never forget" rings in my ears. I take Deb’s hand and we smile. It is time to dance - we shout and yelp jumping endlessly in the air. Soon we fly leaving the earth. Perhaps we can catch the chariot as it pulls the sun across the sky. We grow feathers and are no longer human. All is now - there is no past no future there is only now.

Soon I see my grandmother sipping tea and eating asparagus. She smiles and opens the door to Mercury - Hermes - Thoth. Thoth bring the fire, brings the knowledge. His winged feet carry him as we enter his domain. All my friends are floating through the door also. We decide to have a party - everyone is flapping their wings laughing and experiencing joy. The memory of the garden holds Deb in my mind for an instant but then we forget and laugh some more with the people we love.

"Go in Peace," says God. "I have given you all that you will need," he smiles. Deb and I go back to the party - we hold hands and sing songs. "Never forget," says God - but it is too late - we have already forgotten.