What can I say about my first - well almost - Love? Sitting in Geometry class I often looked over to Caroline sitting next to me. She was beautiful - her thin dark features easy on my eyes.
I loved geometry - it came easy for me. It was like a big puzzle that needed solving. Writing the proofs is what I loved. My friend George and I always competed for the best grade on the tests. He often won and would have won the title of best in class but he and 3 of our degenerate friends decided to skip the final day of classes. I don't think he cared much. The grading system was a series of numbers 6 being an A+ and 1 being an F. A six was hard to come by but George and I always had our eyes on that prize.
Geometry was right before lunch and I remember my stomach growling. For some reason I was incredibly afraid to have my stomach growling heard by others in the class. Flexing my stomach muscles I was incessantly trying never to be heard. Why it terrified me so is hard for me to understand now. I guess anything that called attention to me was not acceptable to my shy nature. Back then many many things terrified me.
My love for Caroline was deep - as deep as I ever felt up to that point in my life. The school had what was called the self-help system where all the students were in charge of cleaning the school - everything from waiting on tables to scrubbing toilets was all done by the students. It was when Caroline was cleaning the tables after lunch that I caught her dazzling eyes. I shyly walked through the swinging doors to the lunchroom and offered to help her clean. She smiled and my heart soared - did she secretly pine over me as I did her? I took the sponge and scrubbed the table. She seemed pleased and I continued to hope.
It was later that year that my sister Anne, knowing my love for Caroline, locked me in our brother’s room where there was a phone and would not let me out until I called and asked Caroline to the movies. I was so nervous my voice quivered but I managed to do it only to be shot down because she said her father - a local policeman - would not let her go on dates. I never knew if this was the truth or not and what was more frustrating was that there was no change in Caroline's behavior. She said hello the same - looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes the way she always had. I was flummoxed. I never got the courage to ask her out again so my love was unrequited much to my dismay.
The 7th grade class decided to have a party at Billy's house and my heart leaped for this was another chance to test my love for Caroline. I fantasized of kissing her and much to my shock I actually did! I couldn't believe my luck. We were playing spin the bottle and as I spun I hoped and hoped that the bottle would point to Caroline. And praise be to God it did point to her. I nervously got up and went over to Caroline and hesitantly kissed her on the cheek. I was in 7th heaven. Surely now Caroline would confess to me her love all would be wondrous. But no such luck. Just as there was no response to me asking her on a date there was again no change in her behavior after the kiss. I did not understand.
I jealously watched as Caroline giggled with Peter. Peter was handsome and smooth and Caroline was more into him than me. I was crushed but still I hoped that she would realize our true love and jump into my arms. I blankly stared out the car window as my sister sang "Chucky's in love.” She thought I was daydreaming about Caroline as I often did, but that day I was I was floating on some other cloud.
At the party Caroline swung on a hammock and I hopefully went over to talk with her. She looked at me with those soft eyes and smiled - my heart leapt. She must have known my love for her but nothing ever happened. She never went out with me - never kissed me again and everything spun into entropy. I never had the courage to ask her out again. She was sweet on Peter much to my dismay. I never knew what she thought of me - it was in the realm of the great unknown. So as I looked over to Caroline in Geometry class and clenched my stomach muscles so no one would hear, life went on and Caroline faded away. It took another year for me to get over Caroline I often played the scene of our one kiss - though very one sided at that party playing spin the bottle. I lived in a kind of Love Limbo as she smiled at me every day. I never got close to her as I wished - she remained lost except in my fantasies.
March 11, 2010
February 24, 2010
Water Lovers
Against the backdrop he did not know
where he stood - the uncertainty was deafening
will she love him or be a figment of his imagination?
he already had a wonderful thing going but could one
love 2 people at the same time? was there a way to cheat
death live in debauchery and hedonism as he did so many
years ago? get with reality is what she said - you think you
have the gall to wish for unanswerable tendencies?
all you will get is a fantasy - an unrequited call
a worrisome thought and a selfish glutton off the map
and two altogether separate people in the dance
of night - but isn't fantasy more rich and wondrous than reality?
only a god so transfixed in the affairs of others
will call upon the devil to do his work and live his life
being that he only saw her for such a limited time
the days were spent languishing in utter decadence
so beautiful was the inkling - the softness astounded him
together they flew through the air so free and real
up to the stratosphere like an endless glider slowly
easing its way from cloud to cloud - a balance so delicate
and loving it could only be the last resort of the angels
can air be so lovely and caring - did he realize the sanctity
of those first glances? No he did not - just go to your books
and sink your head into the floor - open your mouth so that
the inchworm will catapult itself into the basket of treachery
to be real is the goal not the purpose - look and he will find the great
answers to the questions of dancehall crutches
enter the labyrinth and rise to the endless touch
so full of passion and grace - she will ignore the solution
and ignore the side glances of freedom - all he wished to do was to
hold her in his arms - that would end the scarce treble so hooked
as he was on the end product - But No! it is all in the process
not the result - he wished to be transported into the grave
of unknown saints - to make his plea to the court of wonder and
tragedy - Rise up! Rise up! there is glory in the nights ahead
the nights filled with honey and apples only to spill out into the day
as a corpse in the sun - up to a certain point he could make the
argument that once the dramatic ears of tragedy heard the call
of ten thousand hummingbirds then the wisdom of transcendence
ekes through the pipeline of internal catapults - a life less lived
than thought of - he heard the train coming and was frightened
of the sound of rattling metal - a porous mental picture
soon to be realized as false and futile and rotting
in the end he could just see the outline of her face
the tragic failure of his thoughts and actions seeding the
new penchant for liberty and just causes - will the
monsters be at bay or will they jump start the end of the world?
he will never know just as she will never tell him her secrets
where he stood - the uncertainty was deafening
will she love him or be a figment of his imagination?
he already had a wonderful thing going but could one
love 2 people at the same time? was there a way to cheat
death live in debauchery and hedonism as he did so many
years ago? get with reality is what she said - you think you
have the gall to wish for unanswerable tendencies?
all you will get is a fantasy - an unrequited call
a worrisome thought and a selfish glutton off the map
and two altogether separate people in the dance
of night - but isn't fantasy more rich and wondrous than reality?
only a god so transfixed in the affairs of others
will call upon the devil to do his work and live his life
being that he only saw her for such a limited time
the days were spent languishing in utter decadence
so beautiful was the inkling - the softness astounded him
together they flew through the air so free and real
up to the stratosphere like an endless glider slowly
easing its way from cloud to cloud - a balance so delicate
and loving it could only be the last resort of the angels
can air be so lovely and caring - did he realize the sanctity
of those first glances? No he did not - just go to your books
and sink your head into the floor - open your mouth so that
the inchworm will catapult itself into the basket of treachery
to be real is the goal not the purpose - look and he will find the great
answers to the questions of dancehall crutches
enter the labyrinth and rise to the endless touch
so full of passion and grace - she will ignore the solution
and ignore the side glances of freedom - all he wished to do was to
hold her in his arms - that would end the scarce treble so hooked
as he was on the end product - But No! it is all in the process
not the result - he wished to be transported into the grave
of unknown saints - to make his plea to the court of wonder and
tragedy - Rise up! Rise up! there is glory in the nights ahead
the nights filled with honey and apples only to spill out into the day
as a corpse in the sun - up to a certain point he could make the
argument that once the dramatic ears of tragedy heard the call
of ten thousand hummingbirds then the wisdom of transcendence
ekes through the pipeline of internal catapults - a life less lived
than thought of - he heard the train coming and was frightened
of the sound of rattling metal - a porous mental picture
soon to be realized as false and futile and rotting
in the end he could just see the outline of her face
the tragic failure of his thoughts and actions seeding the
new penchant for liberty and just causes - will the
monsters be at bay or will they jump start the end of the world?
he will never know just as she will never tell him her secrets
January 29, 2010
Wind Hierophant
Hierophant (n) a person who brings religious congregants into the presence of that which is deemed holy
She caught my eye for the last time
in the mist of calling me she broke
I remember the day I first stole a look
We walked and walked covering much potential
Why did I FEEL LIKE RUNNING AWAY?
The second time I saw her figure floating
in pure seasonable heaven
we talked and toppled over one another
I saw the limit would not end the life
gather your shoes and clean the tops
there will be no half truths on earth
happiness and joy please stay
I beg with cup in hand ready for lunch
eat and be merry it is all I live for
friends are the core even if they are
all covered in moss - bust through and
see the light - Water Hierophant set your fire
on my tongue for I cannot speak
she fills me with grace and uncertainty
I am partial and she is whole
she walks toward me and makes a
small hand gesture - I sip another
and fly into excitement won't you caress me?
visions trouble our minds - you call me
in great fear and guilt maybe time
to take another walk - I ran and ran
going only as far as the wind will take me
turn in the statue of Hierophant
will I learn or just skid around in perpetuity
the cart on the tennis court buzzes and careens
next they sold tickets in the false yard
jump and feel the great passion of the falling stone
days and days I walk in the leaves with memories
of god and loneliness "Why Black?!?" she screamed
and I shrank down in insecurity "Some people
have all the potential in the world but never
live up to it" Was she talking to me? - all I see
are lines and codes - I cannot open my mouth
my lips are glued together - M calls forth
"Save me a seat" I look around and do nothing
as usual it all gets worse but that night
the sky was black the stars were pure
and all was right in the world
She caught my eye for the last time
in the mist of calling me she broke
I remember the day I first stole a look
We walked and walked covering much potential
Why did I FEEL LIKE RUNNING AWAY?
The second time I saw her figure floating
in pure seasonable heaven
we talked and toppled over one another
I saw the limit would not end the life
gather your shoes and clean the tops
there will be no half truths on earth
happiness and joy please stay
I beg with cup in hand ready for lunch
eat and be merry it is all I live for
friends are the core even if they are
all covered in moss - bust through and
see the light - Water Hierophant set your fire
on my tongue for I cannot speak
she fills me with grace and uncertainty
I am partial and she is whole
she walks toward me and makes a
small hand gesture - I sip another
and fly into excitement won't you caress me?
visions trouble our minds - you call me
in great fear and guilt maybe time
to take another walk - I ran and ran
going only as far as the wind will take me
turn in the statue of Hierophant
will I learn or just skid around in perpetuity
the cart on the tennis court buzzes and careens
next they sold tickets in the false yard
jump and feel the great passion of the falling stone
days and days I walk in the leaves with memories
of god and loneliness "Why Black?!?" she screamed
and I shrank down in insecurity "Some people
have all the potential in the world but never
live up to it" Was she talking to me? - all I see
are lines and codes - I cannot open my mouth
my lips are glued together - M calls forth
"Save me a seat" I look around and do nothing
as usual it all gets worse but that night
the sky was black the stars were pure
and all was right in the world
January 4, 2010
Nighttime
Deb and I used to run all over the yard
feeling the warm glow of sunshine
we would race into the woods
where phantasms lurked
soon the dusk would come and we would have to
come inside for cottage cheese with mayonaise and ketsup
as the bugs grew bustling the summer have set in
at night we wished for stories to be told
wanting the glory of the day to fill our glasses with peach cider
the house became a grand world of deserts and waterfalls and
jungles and ocean - we would travel halfway across the world to
get to bed - banging my head on the bed frame wanting to stay up just
a little bit longer to see the wonders of the television
often we would eat frozen orange juice and laugh at the pictures
in the small box of light
they would come in and place a scratchy kiss on the forehead
smelling the strange odor of gin and tonic
please tell me a story I don't want to go to bed now
I will tell you the story of Mary and Mory -
now my story is begun - I will tell you another about her brother
and now my story is done
but No! please another
at night the shadows float through the air
and I will sound the whistle of wind just as they did on the westerns
but Anne would call and be done with the sounds
turn the radio on and off with the thoughts
drift slowly into sleep hearing the talk and laughter
from down stairs - what comfort
all is well with the world
feeling the warm glow of sunshine
we would race into the woods
where phantasms lurked
soon the dusk would come and we would have to
come inside for cottage cheese with mayonaise and ketsup
as the bugs grew bustling the summer have set in
at night we wished for stories to be told
wanting the glory of the day to fill our glasses with peach cider
the house became a grand world of deserts and waterfalls and
jungles and ocean - we would travel halfway across the world to
get to bed - banging my head on the bed frame wanting to stay up just
a little bit longer to see the wonders of the television
often we would eat frozen orange juice and laugh at the pictures
in the small box of light
they would come in and place a scratchy kiss on the forehead
smelling the strange odor of gin and tonic
please tell me a story I don't want to go to bed now
I will tell you the story of Mary and Mory -
now my story is begun - I will tell you another about her brother
and now my story is done
but No! please another
at night the shadows float through the air
and I will sound the whistle of wind just as they did on the westerns
but Anne would call and be done with the sounds
turn the radio on and off with the thoughts
drift slowly into sleep hearing the talk and laughter
from down stairs - what comfort
all is well with the world
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