Against the backdrop he did not know
where he stood - the uncertainty was deafening
will she love him or be a figment of his imagination?
he already had a wonderful thing going but could one
love 2 people at the same time? was there a way to cheat
death live in debauchery and hedonism as he did so many
years ago? get with reality is what she said - you think you
have the gall to wish for unanswerable tendencies?
all you will get is a fantasy - an unrequited call
a worrisome thought and a selfish glutton off the map
and two altogether separate people in the dance
of night - but isn't fantasy more rich and wondrous than reality?
only a god so transfixed in the affairs of others
will call upon the devil to do his work and live his life
being that he only saw her for such a limited time
the days were spent languishing in utter decadence
so beautiful was the inkling - the softness astounded him
together they flew through the air so free and real
up to the stratosphere like an endless glider slowly
easing its way from cloud to cloud - a balance so delicate
and loving it could only be the last resort of the angels
can air be so lovely and caring - did he realize the sanctity
of those first glances? No he did not - just go to your books
and sink your head into the floor - open your mouth so that
the inchworm will catapult itself into the basket of treachery
to be real is the goal not the purpose - look and he will find the great
answers to the questions of dancehall crutches
enter the labyrinth and rise to the endless touch
so full of passion and grace - she will ignore the solution
and ignore the side glances of freedom - all he wished to do was to
hold her in his arms - that would end the scarce treble so hooked
as he was on the end product - But No! it is all in the process
not the result - he wished to be transported into the grave
of unknown saints - to make his plea to the court of wonder and
tragedy - Rise up! Rise up! there is glory in the nights ahead
the nights filled with honey and apples only to spill out into the day
as a corpse in the sun - up to a certain point he could make the
argument that once the dramatic ears of tragedy heard the call
of ten thousand hummingbirds then the wisdom of transcendence
ekes through the pipeline of internal catapults - a life less lived
than thought of - he heard the train coming and was frightened
of the sound of rattling metal - a porous mental picture
soon to be realized as false and futile and rotting
in the end he could just see the outline of her face
the tragic failure of his thoughts and actions seeding the
new penchant for liberty and just causes - will the
monsters be at bay or will they jump start the end of the world?
he will never know just as she will never tell him her secrets
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
February 24, 2010
September 23, 2009
Short story
He woke up in the morning achy and withdrawn. School again. Ugh. At breakfast he watched as his mother ate her Cheerios. The sound always bothered him. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. The silence was deafening. Perhaps it was filled with what was never said. His sister gave a knowing look and quickly moved the Cheerios box to block sight of her. The past night was again filled with the confusing dreams that he could never decipher. This one involved a vacuum that ran over a red carpet all on its own. John looked down the stairs at the vacuum. The image of the vacuum scared him. It was a lucid dream, which was rare for John. He sat down on the stairs and blinked his eyes until he woke up.
John got up from the table annoyed by all the chewing. Why did it bother him so much? Was it the silence - the deafening silence - of nothing - nowhere - empty. John got his books. The dream came back. Why the vacuum? What was so scary about a vacuum? Was it that it ran by itself perhaps run by some ghost or spirit? The night before there had been more dreams. That night red was also the color. He looked down through an open window to a couch covered in red - but the red was moving - blood? Again it scared him to remember.
The air was crisp and biting - John loved these cold mornings. What could he look forward to? Certainly not class. First period was Bible class. He always sat in the same seat just like everyone else. Jim sat across from him. That morning Jim chose to bother John. He moved to the front of the class, everyone still chatting, and wrote on the chalkboard - "John licks the eyelids off the fishes". John sank down in embarrassment as he often did: he did not counter or fight back - it wasn't in his nature. He burned on the inside. But what did it mean? Eyelids? Fish? Do fish even have eyelids? He did not know. The teacher Mr. Smith looked down at John and said "Poor John." It was awkward.
John remembered the first day of class when Mr. Smith asked the class "What do we know about Jesus?" The class went on about the life of Jesus - miracles, sermons, son of God, crucifixion, resurrection. But at the end of class Mr. Smith gave the twist, "We actually don't 'know' anything about Jesus from a factual, 'historical' viewpoint". John rolled his eyes - what a trick he thought.
The class seemed to drag on and John’s mind traveled to soccer practice after school. The Bible did not inspire him at all.
One of the first assignments given by Mr. Smith was to create your own version of the creation of the universe. John wrote about a group of stars that swirled and swirled - giving birth to a race of giants who sang a song and out of their heads popped the first man and woman. It got him a B.
His next class was across the campus. John didn't like all the people - why was saying hello such a struggle? He would rather sit by himself and doodle in his notebook. In English John sat uneasily, hoping not to be noticed. The image of the vacuum came back. It produced a sense of fear and excitement. His heart began to pump as the teachers voice faded into the background. He came back to the surface just as the teacher walked up and took his notebook saying, "Lets see what John has in his notebook." She opened it up and showed the contents to the class. All his copious doodles and class notes where now public. John shrank down oppressed by all the attention. He wanted to run away – to hide in a hole where he would be safe, safe from people. "Maybe I should be a monk,” he thought. But being a monk only in order to escape from life wasn't the greatest motivation. The teacher proceeded to shake Johns notebook so that all he loose papers fell on the floor. "I see you are quite organized", she smiled as the class giggled.
Caroline sat next to John. For most of the past 2 years John had fantasized about Caroline. She was beautiful - dark brown golden skin - brown eyes and attractive. John always tried to be near her. The day before John had seen her cleaning a table after lunch. "Can I help you clean?" he said. She smiled and John’s heart leaped her beautiful face lighting up the room. "I'll scrub this half and you the other" he offered. John lingered after the cleaning hoping to spend more time with Caroline but she just smiled and left.
John fantasized about Caroline all though the 7th grade. He had the courage once to ask her out on a date to the movies. "My father won't let me go on dates," was her answer. His sister had actually locked John in a room and wouldn't let him out until he called Caroline for a date. At a party that year John’s dream came true. They were playing spin the bottle. John prayed "Please let the bottle point to Caroline." His dream came true: he shakily got up crossed the room and kissed her cheek. There is a God he thought. But that was the end of it - nothing ever came of the kiss.
School was hard for John but his sister Anne was a light in his days. She was always cheerful and supportive: he loved her greatly. That night more red dreams. This time the dream was more complex. A man in a red mask was waving a knife, singing at the top of his lungs. A small rabbit ran by. John could read the mind of the man with the red mask as he sang. The song was joyous but what John heard from his mind was quite different. His thoughts said, "Take a cigar and burn your arm." John already had burns on his arms from years ago during a dark time. Why burn? John had no reason why. The urge was sudden and unexplainable.
John got up from the table annoyed by all the chewing. Why did it bother him so much? Was it the silence - the deafening silence - of nothing - nowhere - empty. John got his books. The dream came back. Why the vacuum? What was so scary about a vacuum? Was it that it ran by itself perhaps run by some ghost or spirit? The night before there had been more dreams. That night red was also the color. He looked down through an open window to a couch covered in red - but the red was moving - blood? Again it scared him to remember.
The air was crisp and biting - John loved these cold mornings. What could he look forward to? Certainly not class. First period was Bible class. He always sat in the same seat just like everyone else. Jim sat across from him. That morning Jim chose to bother John. He moved to the front of the class, everyone still chatting, and wrote on the chalkboard - "John licks the eyelids off the fishes". John sank down in embarrassment as he often did: he did not counter or fight back - it wasn't in his nature. He burned on the inside. But what did it mean? Eyelids? Fish? Do fish even have eyelids? He did not know. The teacher Mr. Smith looked down at John and said "Poor John." It was awkward.
John remembered the first day of class when Mr. Smith asked the class "What do we know about Jesus?" The class went on about the life of Jesus - miracles, sermons, son of God, crucifixion, resurrection. But at the end of class Mr. Smith gave the twist, "We actually don't 'know' anything about Jesus from a factual, 'historical' viewpoint". John rolled his eyes - what a trick he thought.
The class seemed to drag on and John’s mind traveled to soccer practice after school. The Bible did not inspire him at all.
One of the first assignments given by Mr. Smith was to create your own version of the creation of the universe. John wrote about a group of stars that swirled and swirled - giving birth to a race of giants who sang a song and out of their heads popped the first man and woman. It got him a B.
His next class was across the campus. John didn't like all the people - why was saying hello such a struggle? He would rather sit by himself and doodle in his notebook. In English John sat uneasily, hoping not to be noticed. The image of the vacuum came back. It produced a sense of fear and excitement. His heart began to pump as the teachers voice faded into the background. He came back to the surface just as the teacher walked up and took his notebook saying, "Lets see what John has in his notebook." She opened it up and showed the contents to the class. All his copious doodles and class notes where now public. John shrank down oppressed by all the attention. He wanted to run away – to hide in a hole where he would be safe, safe from people. "Maybe I should be a monk,” he thought. But being a monk only in order to escape from life wasn't the greatest motivation. The teacher proceeded to shake Johns notebook so that all he loose papers fell on the floor. "I see you are quite organized", she smiled as the class giggled.
Caroline sat next to John. For most of the past 2 years John had fantasized about Caroline. She was beautiful - dark brown golden skin - brown eyes and attractive. John always tried to be near her. The day before John had seen her cleaning a table after lunch. "Can I help you clean?" he said. She smiled and John’s heart leaped her beautiful face lighting up the room. "I'll scrub this half and you the other" he offered. John lingered after the cleaning hoping to spend more time with Caroline but she just smiled and left.
John fantasized about Caroline all though the 7th grade. He had the courage once to ask her out on a date to the movies. "My father won't let me go on dates," was her answer. His sister had actually locked John in a room and wouldn't let him out until he called Caroline for a date. At a party that year John’s dream came true. They were playing spin the bottle. John prayed "Please let the bottle point to Caroline." His dream came true: he shakily got up crossed the room and kissed her cheek. There is a God he thought. But that was the end of it - nothing ever came of the kiss.
School was hard for John but his sister Anne was a light in his days. She was always cheerful and supportive: he loved her greatly. That night more red dreams. This time the dream was more complex. A man in a red mask was waving a knife, singing at the top of his lungs. A small rabbit ran by. John could read the mind of the man with the red mask as he sang. The song was joyous but what John heard from his mind was quite different. His thoughts said, "Take a cigar and burn your arm." John already had burns on his arms from years ago during a dark time. Why burn? John had no reason why. The urge was sudden and unexplainable.
September 4, 2009
Tarot Meditation: 4 of Wind
Look upon the heavenly rainbow! It fills me with wonder and awe! I glow like a thousand candles underneath a crystal waterfall. The wolves are calling but I pay no heed - they are out of range. They call to the moon - which is my deity also.
The crystal pool before me is deep and cool. I penetrate the surface. All outside noise and pain fade away and I enter a pristine world of golden blue. What creatures do I see here? There is the octopus which glows pink, the blowfish billowing to itself, the purple stingray and the magnanimous killer whale. These creatures speak to me without voices. I sense their love and compassion. I am on a grand adventure!
Soon streaks of light shine down for it is time for me to surface. As I rise the light becomes more and more brilliant. I surface into a glorious day! I look at my reflection in the water - what attributes do I see? The simplest and most noble is compassion. I must fill my heart with compassion, the compassion I saw in the wondrous creatures of the deep that applies to all creatures of this and other planets. It is through this that I can conquer the world. I feel my friends swimming beneath me - I feel their love. LOVE and COMPASSION these are the greatest.
The crystal pool before me is deep and cool. I penetrate the surface. All outside noise and pain fade away and I enter a pristine world of golden blue. What creatures do I see here? There is the octopus which glows pink, the blowfish billowing to itself, the purple stingray and the magnanimous killer whale. These creatures speak to me without voices. I sense their love and compassion. I am on a grand adventure!
Soon streaks of light shine down for it is time for me to surface. As I rise the light becomes more and more brilliant. I surface into a glorious day! I look at my reflection in the water - what attributes do I see? The simplest and most noble is compassion. I must fill my heart with compassion, the compassion I saw in the wondrous creatures of the deep that applies to all creatures of this and other planets. It is through this that I can conquer the world. I feel my friends swimming beneath me - I feel their love. LOVE and COMPASSION these are the greatest.
May 16, 2009
Tarot: 7 of Fire - Being Totally Alive & Awake
I see the monkeys on the roof. The stories about where I was born are burned into my memory.
I must awaken from the dreams of the past - so much hurt - so much pain. I was small - easy to lose track of - the marriage was long gone - I remember him cracking ice for his gin and tonic - I was knee high - I remember looking up to the counter. They all laughed at me as I sat on my own dinner plate after changing the channel. As the youngest I was designated official channel changer. Natalie was there - I love Natalie - I wish I had not abused our love in visiting from Rome. I was young - I drank too much.
When they told me I did not understand - I thought it was a game, a fun thing - but no - soon he moved away something that a divorced father should never do. So I understand it today. Should I live in those memories? NO emphatically not.
There is only now - what am I doing now? I must let my spark explode into a million wondrous crystal cells. I will break up into a million pieces and fly into the sun. I will circle the earth looking lovingly down at all the wonders and horrors that are there. Live in the moment - easier said than done. Be open to joy and love. If I think it - It will come true. I do believe we make up our own universes - I can choose to live in the hurtful past or I can choose to live in the awe inspiring, wondrous and phantasmagorical universe of potential and life.
I must awaken from the dreams of the past - so much hurt - so much pain. I was small - easy to lose track of - the marriage was long gone - I remember him cracking ice for his gin and tonic - I was knee high - I remember looking up to the counter. They all laughed at me as I sat on my own dinner plate after changing the channel. As the youngest I was designated official channel changer. Natalie was there - I love Natalie - I wish I had not abused our love in visiting from Rome. I was young - I drank too much.
When they told me I did not understand - I thought it was a game, a fun thing - but no - soon he moved away something that a divorced father should never do. So I understand it today. Should I live in those memories? NO emphatically not.
There is only now - what am I doing now? I must let my spark explode into a million wondrous crystal cells. I will break up into a million pieces and fly into the sun. I will circle the earth looking lovingly down at all the wonders and horrors that are there. Live in the moment - easier said than done. Be open to joy and love. If I think it - It will come true. I do believe we make up our own universes - I can choose to live in the hurtful past or I can choose to live in the awe inspiring, wondrous and phantasmagorical universe of potential and life.
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