Enter the Blessing
let the figures dance freely
The Fool asks a question
not for the faint of heart
I will leave it up to you
Great Spirit
why do the fish fly freely
on the wind?
why do birds float freely
in the water?
why do spiders create
their webs?
It is just as it should be
difficult to think
imagine the butterfly
first a worm
then a cocoon
then the magical transformation
Never will I Understand
my mind stretches, but.........
let the Unknown free me
no destination
just process
move in wonder and awe
let the Mystery free me
no truth
just beauty
move in and out of the labyrinth
let the Ineffable free me
no rain
just ocean
move up and over the mountain
where are the signs?
I am blind
April 11, 2010
March 21, 2010
Homage to Phoenix
Burn brightly wondrous Phoenix. I see you in my dreams, delicate and light yet full of power and strength. I am entranced with the colors of your wings, all green and yellow. Fly through the air in great life.
Don't turn around. I am sweating - sticky and hot. Why do you plague me? What a cruel trick you have played on me. My mind turns against itself. We climb up the stairs - the stones are odd and playful. Two people with incense walk by. Don't look at them. I am filled with terror.
As I walk slowly I try and absorb all that I can. It seems if I had 1000 years I would still not see everything. A man moves. Out of the corner of my eye I see him. He is wearing a purple gown and he rings a bell. One... two... three... He chants.
Oh great Phoenix you fill me with such hope and grace. I see you in my dreams and am comforted. On the roof I watch as you dance in red, blue and yellow. Dizzy I walk away. More rain.
STOP - STOP - STOP, not again. When will you go away? Who are you referring to? Phoenix? Paranoia? Are they two sides to the same coin? Wait this does not make sense. The memories are slow and languid - a magical time. Even with the trouble I would not change a thing. Why? Because great Phoenix rests in my chest, in my mind and on the bottom of my feet.
Don't let the destroyers win. Fuck you - Hate me, Fuck you - Hate me. Gently the wind caresses my face. I am at peace again only in the next moment to be swept into a frenzy of confusion. Great Phoenix I bow to your spirit and let your pure love course through my veins. I live for you.
Don't turn around. I am sweating - sticky and hot. Why do you plague me? What a cruel trick you have played on me. My mind turns against itself. We climb up the stairs - the stones are odd and playful. Two people with incense walk by. Don't look at them. I am filled with terror.
As I walk slowly I try and absorb all that I can. It seems if I had 1000 years I would still not see everything. A man moves. Out of the corner of my eye I see him. He is wearing a purple gown and he rings a bell. One... two... three... He chants.
Oh great Phoenix you fill me with such hope and grace. I see you in my dreams and am comforted. On the roof I watch as you dance in red, blue and yellow. Dizzy I walk away. More rain.
STOP - STOP - STOP, not again. When will you go away? Who are you referring to? Phoenix? Paranoia? Are they two sides to the same coin? Wait this does not make sense. The memories are slow and languid - a magical time. Even with the trouble I would not change a thing. Why? Because great Phoenix rests in my chest, in my mind and on the bottom of my feet.
Don't let the destroyers win. Fuck you - Hate me, Fuck you - Hate me. Gently the wind caresses my face. I am at peace again only in the next moment to be swept into a frenzy of confusion. Great Phoenix I bow to your spirit and let your pure love course through my veins. I live for you.
March 11, 2010
My First Love
What can I say about my first - well almost - Love? Sitting in Geometry class I often looked over to Caroline sitting next to me. She was beautiful - her thin dark features easy on my eyes.
I loved geometry - it came easy for me. It was like a big puzzle that needed solving. Writing the proofs is what I loved. My friend George and I always competed for the best grade on the tests. He often won and would have won the title of best in class but he and 3 of our degenerate friends decided to skip the final day of classes. I don't think he cared much. The grading system was a series of numbers 6 being an A+ and 1 being an F. A six was hard to come by but George and I always had our eyes on that prize.
Geometry was right before lunch and I remember my stomach growling. For some reason I was incredibly afraid to have my stomach growling heard by others in the class. Flexing my stomach muscles I was incessantly trying never to be heard. Why it terrified me so is hard for me to understand now. I guess anything that called attention to me was not acceptable to my shy nature. Back then many many things terrified me.
My love for Caroline was deep - as deep as I ever felt up to that point in my life. The school had what was called the self-help system where all the students were in charge of cleaning the school - everything from waiting on tables to scrubbing toilets was all done by the students. It was when Caroline was cleaning the tables after lunch that I caught her dazzling eyes. I shyly walked through the swinging doors to the lunchroom and offered to help her clean. She smiled and my heart soared - did she secretly pine over me as I did her? I took the sponge and scrubbed the table. She seemed pleased and I continued to hope.
It was later that year that my sister Anne, knowing my love for Caroline, locked me in our brother’s room where there was a phone and would not let me out until I called and asked Caroline to the movies. I was so nervous my voice quivered but I managed to do it only to be shot down because she said her father - a local policeman - would not let her go on dates. I never knew if this was the truth or not and what was more frustrating was that there was no change in Caroline's behavior. She said hello the same - looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes the way she always had. I was flummoxed. I never got the courage to ask her out again so my love was unrequited much to my dismay.
The 7th grade class decided to have a party at Billy's house and my heart leaped for this was another chance to test my love for Caroline. I fantasized of kissing her and much to my shock I actually did! I couldn't believe my luck. We were playing spin the bottle and as I spun I hoped and hoped that the bottle would point to Caroline. And praise be to God it did point to her. I nervously got up and went over to Caroline and hesitantly kissed her on the cheek. I was in 7th heaven. Surely now Caroline would confess to me her love all would be wondrous. But no such luck. Just as there was no response to me asking her on a date there was again no change in her behavior after the kiss. I did not understand.
I jealously watched as Caroline giggled with Peter. Peter was handsome and smooth and Caroline was more into him than me. I was crushed but still I hoped that she would realize our true love and jump into my arms. I blankly stared out the car window as my sister sang "Chucky's in love.” She thought I was daydreaming about Caroline as I often did, but that day I was I was floating on some other cloud.
At the party Caroline swung on a hammock and I hopefully went over to talk with her. She looked at me with those soft eyes and smiled - my heart leapt. She must have known my love for her but nothing ever happened. She never went out with me - never kissed me again and everything spun into entropy. I never had the courage to ask her out again. She was sweet on Peter much to my dismay. I never knew what she thought of me - it was in the realm of the great unknown. So as I looked over to Caroline in Geometry class and clenched my stomach muscles so no one would hear, life went on and Caroline faded away. It took another year for me to get over Caroline I often played the scene of our one kiss - though very one sided at that party playing spin the bottle. I lived in a kind of Love Limbo as she smiled at me every day. I never got close to her as I wished - she remained lost except in my fantasies.
I loved geometry - it came easy for me. It was like a big puzzle that needed solving. Writing the proofs is what I loved. My friend George and I always competed for the best grade on the tests. He often won and would have won the title of best in class but he and 3 of our degenerate friends decided to skip the final day of classes. I don't think he cared much. The grading system was a series of numbers 6 being an A+ and 1 being an F. A six was hard to come by but George and I always had our eyes on that prize.
Geometry was right before lunch and I remember my stomach growling. For some reason I was incredibly afraid to have my stomach growling heard by others in the class. Flexing my stomach muscles I was incessantly trying never to be heard. Why it terrified me so is hard for me to understand now. I guess anything that called attention to me was not acceptable to my shy nature. Back then many many things terrified me.
My love for Caroline was deep - as deep as I ever felt up to that point in my life. The school had what was called the self-help system where all the students were in charge of cleaning the school - everything from waiting on tables to scrubbing toilets was all done by the students. It was when Caroline was cleaning the tables after lunch that I caught her dazzling eyes. I shyly walked through the swinging doors to the lunchroom and offered to help her clean. She smiled and my heart soared - did she secretly pine over me as I did her? I took the sponge and scrubbed the table. She seemed pleased and I continued to hope.
It was later that year that my sister Anne, knowing my love for Caroline, locked me in our brother’s room where there was a phone and would not let me out until I called and asked Caroline to the movies. I was so nervous my voice quivered but I managed to do it only to be shot down because she said her father - a local policeman - would not let her go on dates. I never knew if this was the truth or not and what was more frustrating was that there was no change in Caroline's behavior. She said hello the same - looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes the way she always had. I was flummoxed. I never got the courage to ask her out again so my love was unrequited much to my dismay.
The 7th grade class decided to have a party at Billy's house and my heart leaped for this was another chance to test my love for Caroline. I fantasized of kissing her and much to my shock I actually did! I couldn't believe my luck. We were playing spin the bottle and as I spun I hoped and hoped that the bottle would point to Caroline. And praise be to God it did point to her. I nervously got up and went over to Caroline and hesitantly kissed her on the cheek. I was in 7th heaven. Surely now Caroline would confess to me her love all would be wondrous. But no such luck. Just as there was no response to me asking her on a date there was again no change in her behavior after the kiss. I did not understand.
I jealously watched as Caroline giggled with Peter. Peter was handsome and smooth and Caroline was more into him than me. I was crushed but still I hoped that she would realize our true love and jump into my arms. I blankly stared out the car window as my sister sang "Chucky's in love.” She thought I was daydreaming about Caroline as I often did, but that day I was I was floating on some other cloud.
At the party Caroline swung on a hammock and I hopefully went over to talk with her. She looked at me with those soft eyes and smiled - my heart leapt. She must have known my love for her but nothing ever happened. She never went out with me - never kissed me again and everything spun into entropy. I never had the courage to ask her out again. She was sweet on Peter much to my dismay. I never knew what she thought of me - it was in the realm of the great unknown. So as I looked over to Caroline in Geometry class and clenched my stomach muscles so no one would hear, life went on and Caroline faded away. It took another year for me to get over Caroline I often played the scene of our one kiss - though very one sided at that party playing spin the bottle. I lived in a kind of Love Limbo as she smiled at me every day. I never got close to her as I wished - she remained lost except in my fantasies.
February 24, 2010
Water Lovers
Against the backdrop he did not know
where he stood - the uncertainty was deafening
will she love him or be a figment of his imagination?
he already had a wonderful thing going but could one
love 2 people at the same time? was there a way to cheat
death live in debauchery and hedonism as he did so many
years ago? get with reality is what she said - you think you
have the gall to wish for unanswerable tendencies?
all you will get is a fantasy - an unrequited call
a worrisome thought and a selfish glutton off the map
and two altogether separate people in the dance
of night - but isn't fantasy more rich and wondrous than reality?
only a god so transfixed in the affairs of others
will call upon the devil to do his work and live his life
being that he only saw her for such a limited time
the days were spent languishing in utter decadence
so beautiful was the inkling - the softness astounded him
together they flew through the air so free and real
up to the stratosphere like an endless glider slowly
easing its way from cloud to cloud - a balance so delicate
and loving it could only be the last resort of the angels
can air be so lovely and caring - did he realize the sanctity
of those first glances? No he did not - just go to your books
and sink your head into the floor - open your mouth so that
the inchworm will catapult itself into the basket of treachery
to be real is the goal not the purpose - look and he will find the great
answers to the questions of dancehall crutches
enter the labyrinth and rise to the endless touch
so full of passion and grace - she will ignore the solution
and ignore the side glances of freedom - all he wished to do was to
hold her in his arms - that would end the scarce treble so hooked
as he was on the end product - But No! it is all in the process
not the result - he wished to be transported into the grave
of unknown saints - to make his plea to the court of wonder and
tragedy - Rise up! Rise up! there is glory in the nights ahead
the nights filled with honey and apples only to spill out into the day
as a corpse in the sun - up to a certain point he could make the
argument that once the dramatic ears of tragedy heard the call
of ten thousand hummingbirds then the wisdom of transcendence
ekes through the pipeline of internal catapults - a life less lived
than thought of - he heard the train coming and was frightened
of the sound of rattling metal - a porous mental picture
soon to be realized as false and futile and rotting
in the end he could just see the outline of her face
the tragic failure of his thoughts and actions seeding the
new penchant for liberty and just causes - will the
monsters be at bay or will they jump start the end of the world?
he will never know just as she will never tell him her secrets
where he stood - the uncertainty was deafening
will she love him or be a figment of his imagination?
he already had a wonderful thing going but could one
love 2 people at the same time? was there a way to cheat
death live in debauchery and hedonism as he did so many
years ago? get with reality is what she said - you think you
have the gall to wish for unanswerable tendencies?
all you will get is a fantasy - an unrequited call
a worrisome thought and a selfish glutton off the map
and two altogether separate people in the dance
of night - but isn't fantasy more rich and wondrous than reality?
only a god so transfixed in the affairs of others
will call upon the devil to do his work and live his life
being that he only saw her for such a limited time
the days were spent languishing in utter decadence
so beautiful was the inkling - the softness astounded him
together they flew through the air so free and real
up to the stratosphere like an endless glider slowly
easing its way from cloud to cloud - a balance so delicate
and loving it could only be the last resort of the angels
can air be so lovely and caring - did he realize the sanctity
of those first glances? No he did not - just go to your books
and sink your head into the floor - open your mouth so that
the inchworm will catapult itself into the basket of treachery
to be real is the goal not the purpose - look and he will find the great
answers to the questions of dancehall crutches
enter the labyrinth and rise to the endless touch
so full of passion and grace - she will ignore the solution
and ignore the side glances of freedom - all he wished to do was to
hold her in his arms - that would end the scarce treble so hooked
as he was on the end product - But No! it is all in the process
not the result - he wished to be transported into the grave
of unknown saints - to make his plea to the court of wonder and
tragedy - Rise up! Rise up! there is glory in the nights ahead
the nights filled with honey and apples only to spill out into the day
as a corpse in the sun - up to a certain point he could make the
argument that once the dramatic ears of tragedy heard the call
of ten thousand hummingbirds then the wisdom of transcendence
ekes through the pipeline of internal catapults - a life less lived
than thought of - he heard the train coming and was frightened
of the sound of rattling metal - a porous mental picture
soon to be realized as false and futile and rotting
in the end he could just see the outline of her face
the tragic failure of his thoughts and actions seeding the
new penchant for liberty and just causes - will the
monsters be at bay or will they jump start the end of the world?
he will never know just as she will never tell him her secrets
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