Tarot: 7 of Fire - Being Totally Alive & Awake

I see the monkeys on the roof. The stories about where I was born are burned into my memory.

I must awaken from the dreams of the past - so much hurt - so much pain. I was small - easy to lose track of - the marriage was long gone - I remember him cracking ice for his gin and tonic - I was knee high - I remember looking up to the counter. They all laughed at me as I sat on my own dinner plate after changing the channel. As the youngest I was designated official channel changer. Natalie was there - I love Natalie - I wish I had not abused our love in visiting from Rome. I was young - I drank too much.

When they told me I did not understand - I thought it was a game, a fun thing - but no - soon he moved away something that a divorced father should never do. So I understand it today. Should I live in those memories? NO emphatically not.

There is only now - what am I doing now? I must let my spark explode into a million wondrous crystal cells. I will break up into a million pieces and fly into the sun. I will circle the earth looking lovingly down at all the wonders and horrors that are there. Live in the moment - easier said than done. Be open to joy and love. If I think it - It will come true. I do believe we make up our own universes - I can choose to live in the hurtful past or I can choose to live in the awe inspiring, wondrous and phantasmagorical universe of potential and life.

Tarot: 8 of Water - Being Love, Contemplating its Existence

I sometimes think of those days in the summer - the heat and humidity so oppressive. The sound of crickets at night. I love the sound of the fan at night. It reminds me of my happiest memories. Each summer from the time I was a toddler until I was sixteen years old we would all pack in the car and drive down to the beach in Delaware. Beautiful Delaware - Luscious Delaware. It was always so exciting for me as we neared the condominium. Rising over the bridge - yes I can feel it now. My sister Anne and I would always be stuck in the back of the station wagon - we didn't mind - it was all a grand adventure.

We would always stop in Bethany Beach to buy blowup rafts. It was such a joy to ride the waves on the rafts - the water so refreshing. The crabs under our feet we tried to warn of our presence by stomping our feet. I never knew if this worked or not. Then there were the innumerable sand castles - "mudsopolis" we would call them. Stretching from the water all the way up the beach the endless castles. We would take shovels and dig near the water until the pit filled with water. We created what we called "dribble castles" - taking wet sand in our hands we would "dribble" the mud slowly from our hands creating ornate creations.

At night we all had fans - the sound of the fan was always so soothing. To this day I still turn on the fan at night - even in winter whenever possible. It reminds me of waking up in the morning hearing the fan anticipating such a relaxed time - hearing the tennis ball being hit early in the morning. Those were the happiest times in my life. So now I need the fan to sleep peacefully. The sound of the fan symbolizes the carefree, wondrously relaxed and joyful time in Delaware. All we did was go to the beach eat and read books. Tower Shores - we would always go there for ice cream - we never wore shoes - we played everywhere. I remember at dusk just before dinner we would run and experience the grand presence of the ocean. For two or three weeks each summer I was in heaven - memories I cherish. So now it is part of my sleeping ritual - I always turn on the fan even in the cold just so I can hear its soothing sounds and transport me to that happy time.